Author: Iyahnaa

A girl with all odds & evens. And a passionate traveler.
Unscripted Feelings

A small survival

IyahnaaLeave a comment

This week was… heavy. And honestly, there haven’t been many light days lately. I keep wondering if my perspective is just clouded or if I’m stuck in some loop of hurt—but even if that’s true, today still hurt. A colleague spoke to me in a way that made me feel small again. Diminished. As if my effort to stay afloat means nothing to the people around me. Being kind feels like a luxury no one wants to spend on me.

I tried—truly tried—to de-escalate things, to clear the air, to show I wasn’t looking for conflict. But he pushed right through me. And in that moment, I felt helpless. Inferior. Disrespected. Unheard. Irritated in that deep, hollow way that sinks into the chest.

My mind spiraled. It’s exhausting trying to stay calm when you feel constantly triggered, when the instinct to retreat, to hide, feels so strong. I ended up calling a friend just to pour it all out, because that’s the only way I know how to loosen the pressure in my chest. Only trusted ears get those pieces of me.

And somehow, the spiral brought me back here—where I’ve so often come to spill everything I can’t hold anymore. You’ve been the place where I can let it all out and, even if I’m annoyed or overwhelmed, feel a little more at ease.

I’ve been thinking so much, therapy, reflection, reading, watching about how to take care of myself, how to soothe my own mind and body when everything feels too fast, too loud, too much. After logging out today, I lay in bed and drifted for a bit. When I woke up, I felt empty. Hollow.

So I opened the window and let the cold air wash over me on my face, my skin just to remind myself I’m here. That I exist. And for a brief moment, that simple sensation made me feel a little more alive.

It’s one of those days when the urge to disappear grows stronger, when the weight of existing feels unbearably heavy. And yet… I’m still here, gently holding myself together in the small ways I know how. Reassuring myself. Softening toward myself. Loving myself just enough to stay.

On weeks/days like this you need a scenery like this.

Conwy, Wales
Poems

Home

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Where Healing Is Found
It’s a feeling more than a place
Something no hands can hold,
Nothing the world can ever replace.

When I saw you years ago,
I could finally exist without an ego.
Stupid, cranky, talkative, weak
Yet every version of me felt a little less bleak.

Home felt like waves returning to the shore,
Like the sun resting gently on the horizon,
Like blue belonging to the sky,
Like apples folded warm into a pie :)

Or as we would say
like Parle-G dipped softly into chai. <3

It wasn’t the love of a lover,
Nor the comfort of a partner
It was the safety of my soul,
A quiet room inside me
that your presence once made whole.

But now,
I learn to become that home
A place I do not need to earn,
A belonging that doesn’t threaten to leave.

A space where I am safest,
most held, most understood
Where I can wrap my own arms around myself
and finally believe
I am my own shore,
my own returning,
my own warm light.

Llandudno, Wales

Unscripted Feelings

Tu me manques

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Yesterday, on the 6th of December, I tried to give myself a little space — a pause between my soul and my thoughts. Somehow, as often happens this time of year, that quiet space carried me straight into the arms of yet another Christmas movie. December does that to me. I wrap myself in layers of warmth, pick out my favourite comfort foods, crack the window open just enough for a whisper of cold air to slip in, and lose myself in the glow of holiday lights on screen. There’s something soothing about scrolling through OTT platforms until I find a Christmas film that feels like a soft place to land — a little world of borrowed magic, where strangers fall in love and everything feels possible for a while.

Last night, I chose Champagne Problems. There’s something so gentle and beautiful about watching romance unfold and seeing people discover themselves through love — learning to be honest, to be brave, to simply be. It feels comforting, even if real life doesn’t always reflect that same simplicity… at least not in my experience so far. Still, the story stayed with me, especially the way the French express “miss you.” In French, “Tu me manques” translates to “you are missing from me.” And somehow, that feels so much closer to the truth of the emotion.

When I say “I miss you” in English, it usually means we long for someone’s presence, for moments shared, for the feeling we get when they’re near. But tu me manques… it carries a deeper ache. It suggests that when you’re not here, a piece of me is absent too. That your warmth, your essence, your love — all the little parts of you that intertwine with who I am — are missing from my world, and from me. It’s not just longing; it’s the quiet recognition of how deeply we can belong to each other without ever claiming ownership.

And somehow, in the glow of a Christmas movie and the chill of winter air, that sentiment felt especially true.

Reading, England.

Unscripted Feelings

Sunday’s – Snuggle

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Been a while that I woke up to a Sunday that felt comforting. On travel Sundays, it’s more about getting up, or laying down, checkin or checkout and being in motion in some form.

This Sunday I spent the morning researching what, how, who and when you could snuggle a friend. Yeah, you read that right. And it’s not desperation. Its about knowing the right meaning of the word and also ensuring that its not misleading or mistaken for something more than it is.

Recently I also learnt that phrases like “I miss you” or “I love you” be default have romantic notations. I was like 🤦‍♀️ Because for me someone who is really very emotional and giving, I tread of feelings and wear my heart on sleeve. So I say it as I feel it (though usually non romantically) Its been quite a ride since then creating those boundaries within me (frankly its quite hard, changing how I reflect my emotions externally) So I am currently on the super conscious caution based expression of my praise, liking and appreciation of the other person.

So this morning, I woke up with a yearning for a snuggle, that landed into how to make yourself feel affectionate, comforted, safe through self hugs, use of quilts and patting oneself. Do I hate it, absolutely ( I miss the freedom of being me) But my definition of friendships and bffs have been challenged and what I should & shouldn’t expect or what can mean otherwise. So here we are.

Hoping for days where snuggling becomes a norm ❤️

Skerries, Ireland.

Tell a tale !

A few days.

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Been in Dublin a few days, this time around Christmas thought it be fun. But well where I go I have the cringe feeling in the tummy. I am not me in the moment. Took the day tour yesterday to Glendalough, Wicklow, Kilkenny. Its beautiful but I kept thinking how nice would have been to walk in here with you. I always made plans where ever I went to share it with yourself. The lake, the ride and the irish pubs. You would love it.

I went out today again to some northern parts but ultimately kept thinking of you. Travelling isn’t helping anymore. I am leaving a piece of myself everywhere I go. Was planning to get you an Irish Whiskey, but can hear in my head you saying that “dont buy me anything”. Makes me feel if you setting up yourself for this time to come and not have anything to belong with me. Typing this my hands shiver and heart sinks.

I miss you !

Glendalough, Wicklow, Ireland.
Tell a tale !

Tell a tale !

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Hey! Guess what I was at the airport flying into Dublin.. when the flight was delayed apparently though it still boarded at the same time as expected. I was hungry had the Bao at Wagamama. Recently ate it and loved it. Reminded me that I last had it in Singapore. Clicked a few pics as usual of myself, looking weirdly yet smiling basically onto myself and what I have become 🥲

Meanwhile, suddenly had a thought. I always wanted to share all my travel situations, what I saw, felt and experienced as that was always a part of me that came to you to offload good, bad, ugly. I loved doing it.

So I decided today, that I am going to now write and share that with the world. Stories or emotions that I felt while travelling or while just being me at home. I don’t even think you will ever get back to this page as you may have forgotten about this. Though when I came back to my own blog read the poem, Hope, I was literally transported back to the time when I confessed my love to you ❤️ Yeah I still smile thinking of that.

Well about to land in Dublin ! Hopefully will write what happened here soon!!

Dublin Skies.
Poems

A bit of everything..

IyahnaaLeave a comment

I want to be here but I don’t.
I want to be alive but I don’t.

Be you, they said.
We love you, they said.

I am at a lost juncture,
They don’t need me, they said.

Life is a myth, I see.
Life isn’t what I believed it to be.

I look for something that doesn’t exist,
I am trying to find myself in the abyss.

They said don’t be needy, be your own
But how often do I end up alone?

I loved the love, trusted the trust,
I have let myself be owned.

I wonder if anything matters in life,
As everything is just temporary in its form.

Sunset at Bridge Street, Reading

Poems

Dil ka kona.

IyahnaaLeave a comment

Dil k us chote se kone me jaha wo bacchi rehti thi..
Har jaha, har pal jo chehakti thi.. waha bas gehra sannata hi sannata hai
Man aaj bhi karta hai thoda bahar nikal kar muskurane ka

Thoda sa asmaan niharne aur thoda gaane ka,
Choti choti cheeze karke man behlane ka.
Bas utne me hi aajati hai kuch baatein yaad.. ho jata man ekdum se udaas

Ek azaad panchi ki tarah udna tha mujhe, sabka man khushiyon se bharna tha mujhe..
Zindagi ko apne rang me rangna tha jise,
Bas ek ajeeb se paheli ho gayi wo

Dukh jo kisi ko samjh na aaye, sukh jo koi parakh na paye
Insaan jo koi suljha na paye, bas ek uljhan ho gayi hu main

Rishto ko pehle bhi dekha hai bikharte maine,
Aansu pehle bhi bahaye hai..
Iss baar kyu itna man bhaari hai..
Jaise haari maine dunia saari hai.

Aaj bhi man chahta hai khush ho wo jinse rishte the,
Sukoon ho unme jisse mere kisse the
Ho mere pass ya mujhse door.. bas ho unki aankhon me jannat ka noor

Meri mushkilo me main akeli hu, bahut uljhi hui ek paheli hu..
Koshish ki kai baar maine khudko jatane ki..
Lekin sabr shayad kahani hai bas kehlane ki

Kareri Lake, Himachal, India.