The last few weeks have been experiential. Not something exotic in worldly sense but more on spiritual or soul level. I have gotten to know myself better, I understand my feelings and behaviour more and I am ready to take the lead to soften myself, accept myself and become better more cautiously. Statements starting with why are being replaced by, might be because of.
I have always been understanding, caring, thoughtful, leading, giving etc etc but now I am more interested in intentions than attention. I know what I bring to a relationship, friendship and nothing half hearted. I now have stopped compromising. I am learning to read the boundaries better or set them up if need be without fear of abandonment or fear of loss. Yes, it will take time putting myself first as thats not been the norm but I am getting there slowly and steadily.
There are times I am etched to step further, its uncomfortable at times too because I am used to being certain way and change is hard especially on this level. But I am enjoying this journey of being at same pace at the other person is. Emotional attachment, investment has costed me in past and I don’t want to be the one carrying a relationship of any-kind alone anymore. It’s a partnership build on mutual efforts and showing up consistently and standing the ground despite hardships.
I didn’t write for a while because I stepped onto this journey but this space allows me to share with Universe with no expectations and it helps ❤️
Have heard, loss is part of life and nothing is permanent in life more often than I would like to admit. I am not a fan of this and neither am I very optimistic.
Having gone through loss of a sister at a young age, feelings of abandonment from that point on, to being a most responsible adult (without anyone asking), chasing some sort of safety and belonging, attachment issues, going and growing through college which felt like a longest time in history. There were days when I was lost then and days that I am lost now.
Post college, I went to work in a strange city and I could see myself feeling out of place almost all the time. Probably seeking validation of some sort or recognition or just that a notice that I exist. Through that time I had encounters that didn’t really meant a lot but left a grave impression on how dismissive and shallow relationships could be. That not everything has depth for people in it.
I fell in love in that city, or atleast thats what I thought it was. There were shared experiences, no common grounds language or culture, there was sense of being together but a constant etch that this wont last long. My headspace is quite different from the place I come from. And hence I tend to see possibilities even where is a narrow chance. It ended by the other person getting engaged and sharing that over a text.
Met someone at work, became fast friends, grew into relationship though I hesitated. I wasnt sure but I slipped into it. Felt that was forever, loved, fought, tried hard. Waited to be seen.. struggled, made a wrong choice. Tried to reconcile.. stayed present. But I guess it was naive of be so in love and still so not be wanted. There is never an unconditional love. You think there is but there isnt. Lost Dad. Moved countries and lost him as well. Parted ways with my younger brother too, I love him but there isnt any respect from him anymore.
Been a few weeks, since someone I cherished whole heartedly, just said “there is no reason for is to talk” I just completely feel hollow. Not because I had a breakup, not because I lost family, but mostly because I dont know how to exist anymore. I want to complain, I want to cry, I want to shout the loudest. And then I feel I need to be held, caressed, made to feel safe, that my existence matters, that I matter. 36 years of life and doesnt feel that I am good enough, that I was good enough. That I ever was enough.
I wake up to anxiety most days, I sleep with the same. I try to hide that away in day light but cant anymore. It’s been this way since many years. Travelling seems a runway. I keep running to no end.
The more I think about myself the more I realise I am not meant for the world as it is. Changing the core of myself to be just chosen, showed up for, just accepting objectivity as is, being ok with everything everyone does. Where am I in all that? Why do I feel empty? The quest is tiring, exhausting and most importantly unsettling. The constant fight to find or be at peace, I am ready to give up.
Yesterday, on the 6th of December, I tried to give myself a little space — a pause between my soul and my thoughts. Somehow, as often happens this time of year, that quiet space carried me straight into the arms of yet another Christmas movie. December does that to me. I wrap myself in layers of warmth, pick out my favourite comfort foods, crack the window open just enough for a whisper of cold air to slip in, and lose myself in the glow of holiday lights on screen. There’s something soothing about scrolling through OTT platforms until I find a Christmas film that feels like a soft place to land — a little world of borrowed magic, where strangers fall in love and everything feels possible for a while.
Last night, I chose Champagne Problems. There’s something so gentle and beautiful about watching romance unfold and seeing people discover themselves through love — learning to be honest, to be brave, to simply be. It feels comforting, even if real life doesn’t always reflect that same simplicity… at least not in my experience so far. Still, the story stayed with me, especially the way the French express “miss you.” In French, “Tu me manques” translates to “you are missing from me.” And somehow, that feels so much closer to the truth of the emotion.
When I say “I miss you” in English, it usually means we long for someone’s presence, for moments shared, for the feeling we get when they’re near. But tu me manques… it carries a deeper ache. It suggests that when you’re not here, a piece of me is absent too. That your warmth, your essence, your love — all the little parts of you that intertwine with who I am — are missing from my world, and from me. It’s not just longing; it’s the quiet recognition of how deeply we can belong to each other without ever claiming ownership.
And somehow, in the glow of a Christmas movie and the chill of winter air, that sentiment felt especially true.
